Fit in Spirit UPDATE

PC:Year27

     Kids, I don't know what to say. About an hour and a half after posting my first blog yesterday, I got a phone call at exactly 11:00 in the morning (that I didn't pick up*). The message was from an employer I interviewed for a few weeks ago (hours after the interview Tee found the same job listing on Craigslist, so I didn't have my hopes up) asking if I was interested in the job and when I could start! I accepted and am officially employed come Monday morning.

     So here's the story:
     To be exact, on Wednesday I picked up E-Squared and began to read. After some time, I asked God for a rather specific sign, but later changed it to a general blessing. Anything. Anything that would make me know this is all true. So I sent that out into the universe at 6 that evening.
   
     The next day I got a phone call from a temping agency I signed for spur-of-the moment. I have every respect in the world for those in that field, but knew it wasn't quite right for me--I initially applied for a part-time job downtown through this agency. The hours were around the same as a dear friend of mine that also works in the downtown area, which meant I had time to hang out with her.
     The lady began going through my resume and asking questions about my professional abilities. "So you're currently volunteering as a chaperon, is this for your child?" "Yes, my niece." I replied. "So, you're not working right now?" "Not at the moment, no." Bits of my confidence chipped away as she went down the rest of the list, as if she wondered why in the world I applied for this position in the first place. I felt foolish, like the last two years and my college experiences didn't matter.
   
     Then we received AMAZING news about Tee! She got a job as a full time teacher at the elementary school not 5 minutes from our house! We were ecstatic as most of you know she'd been on the job hunt since graduating college last year. We rejoiced together and thanked God for this blessing! But in myself I felt familiar pangs of loneliness creep into the pit of my stomach. This feeling has haunted me since I was a teenager--my sisters are doing things with their lives and I'm not. This was reaffirmed by the discovery of the diary I wrote in when I was 15. My confidence plummeted; and though I was happy for my sister, everything I learned about myself over the past two years and mostly in the last month seem to have flung away.
     I mulled over these thoughts for hours until things finally came to a head as I put away laundry. I broke. I began to cry and tried to hide it, just like I used to. I felt a rut coming on--the kind it used to take me days to get out of in the past. My mother came in to see what was wrong, and I blurted out how nothing in my life changed in the past ten years (I know deep inside it wasn't true, but it felt true in the moment). I was so fearful I would be left behind at home without life--so much so that I literally started to hyperventilate. After talking a little while, mother left me alone to collect myself. Minutes later my little niece came in and asked "Why are you crying?" she asked, genuinely confused.  "I don't know" I managed to reply.  She left the room for a minute and came back with a paper flower and laid it on my chest. "This will cheer you up."
     In that moment I realized my life definitely isn't the same as it was ten years ago. This little girl sitting at my side, one of two kids I helped raise and nurture were major changes. I wanted to be a good example to them, and I can't do that lying in a heap of depression on my bed. I obeyed my mother and "got a hold of myself" enough to leave my room. But before I did, I told God aloud "This is it, I need a sign in the next 24 hours or I don't know what I'm going to do."
     I talked to Tee later and tried to assure her it's my own problem I was going through; it's not necessarily jealousy, but I want my own work and life purpose to come before me. "I wish you didn't have to go through this" she said with tears in her eyes. I explained how I needed to move past these old feelings--I don't want people thinking I'm not happy for them or they can't be happy for themselves because of me. I'm sick of it. It's not too hard to change something within my control.

    After a night of good rest, I woke up to write my blog, got the phone call and got this scripture thereafter: "This God--His way is perfect; the word of the LORD proves true; he is a shield for all those who take refuge in Him" (Psalms 18:30).

     Don't stop believing. Ever. But perhaps it's time to demand the promises that are really ours to have. Maybe this is our time.

Signing off with love and a full heart,
    The Daughter

*I avoided the call because I thought it would be the temp agency bothering me again.