Cheater, Cheater, Pastry Eater

So true

Yes, friends. I had a cheat meal this morning, and when I say cheat meal, what I mean is cheat unGodly feast. Up to this point, I considered myself to be doing quite well, and now, I'm terrified to even attempt logging these calories. I'm almost too ashamed to write this post, but I need to continue to be honest with you all. I'm pretty sure this particular binge was emotionally driven, at least partially. It's not excuse, but it's true what Mom said, so many things can effect one's fitness journey. I'm still looking to quell my emotional eating, but it's a process.

WARNING: I will now go into detail about this morning's magnificent eats purely for the sake of accountability. Brace yourselves, friends.

This morning, per DKK's (boyfriend's) request, we drove out to Cinnamon's in Kailua. Cinnamon's is a spectacular restaurant (by island standards) that specializes in guava chiffon pancakes. For those of you unfamiliar with island cuisine, try to imagine something that amazing. Guava.Chiffon.Pancakes. Ironically, neither of us ordered those. I started my meal with coffee, a standard. The "cream" I think, was some kind of non-dairy, artificial, liquid crap that I knew I shouldn't have been drinking, but drank anyway because I didn't want to drink it black. As I mulled over my options, DKK announced he would get a cinnamon bun, and a breakfast skillet. For whatever reason, "cinnamon bun" didn't register with me until I realized I wanted something sweet with my coffee. The devil (cinnamon bun) tempted me, and I accepted.

The time came to decide on a breakfast entree. For a moment, I considered the chicken cutlet with home fries, but came to the conclusion that was too "heavy" for breakfast. I then wandered back over to the second page of the menu where I found the assorted Eggs Benedicts. Classic, Veggie, Mahimahi, Crab cakes... which one, which one? As my eyes scanned down, I saw it; LOX. LOX BENEDICT. The choice was made. DKK seemed to approve. Now, all we needed was our lovely waitress. As she approached, I played around with an idea, but stopped myself, deciding it would be too sinful. When she took my order first, I heard that sinful idea come through my lips: "Extra Hollandaise". WHAT IN GOD'S GOOD AND MIGHTY NAME WAS I THINKING?! EXTRA ALL-CALORIE, NO NUTRITION HOLLANDAISE SAUCE?! WHAT'S GOTTEN INTO ME?!

WE INTERRUPT YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAMMING TO BRING YOU THIS SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT

Here's the thing, I don't know what came over me. I'm not a Hollandaise super-fan. I don't see it as absolutely essential. It can, at times, even be a bit bland for my taste. But suddenly, as I read "Extra Hollandaise" on the menu, my mind took me directly to the movie Julie, Julia. I remembered the jubilation Julie's husband felt as he was eating the artichoke leaves with Hollandaise sauce. You can watch it here if you're really interested and don't understand the reference. I wanted that. I wanted that same ecstasy. Oh, and if you're a foodie and you haven't seen this movie, you must. It's essential. It's basically foreign food porn in that they cook a lot of French food, which, as we all know, is the most food-pornographic cuisine. It's all the butter and pastry. 

WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAMMING

I got over the shock long enough for our pastries to arrive. As I bit into the warm, soft cinnamon bun, I was reminded that there is a God, and He is good. The warm icing stuck to the roof of my mouth, in the most pleasant way, of course. I made short work of it as I washed it down with my coffee. It was utter bliss. By the time my Lox Eggs Benedict came, I was already half-full. My appetite has gotten noticeably smaller, which I am so grateful for considering my swim in this breakfast-food trough today. Honestly, I was a bit less than impressed with the lox; I think I would've preferred the mahimahi. The Hollandaise... was good, but it didn't give me what I was looking for. Ultimately, waves of regret crashed over me as I was sitting in my chair, full to the brim, only halfway through with my half-order. 

I know, Boromir, GAAAAHD.

When I got home and started planning out what to write in this post, I really struggled with what to say. This is, after all, a fitness blog, and not a food blog. Yet, here I am, going into disgusting detail about what I had for breakfast. It wasn't until just now that I realized the purpose of breakfast is to break your fast, not give you happiness. My whole relationship with what I eat is unhealthy because I look to food to fulfill some kind of need, not to keep me going physically. The bottom line is, it's still a struggle, but I can't keep giving myself these passes to go ham just because I think I deserve to. I'm not cheating on my diet, or counting my calories, or my exercise program, I'm cheating myself. By not requiring myself to be more disciplined, I'm actually losing out. I'm not saying you shouldn't be able to eat whatever you want (it's your life), but I'm saying I can't expect my body to do certain things and look a certain way if I don't give it what it needs. I hope to change my attitude, and though it won't be overnight, I can definitely say today, and this post, has been a wake-up call. 

Progress: A smaller appetite, more accountability, and one step closer to ending (or at least changing) my unhealthy relationship with food. 

With Love,

Tee